We all have patterns of thought and feeling we dislike. Our tendency is to make them go away by creating different thoughts and feelings. These are usually our worst habits:
Take abandonment as an example. I struggle with fearing abandonment. There’s a conviction that people (friends, romantic partners, coworkers) will leave me.
For years I dealt with this by letting nobody get close to me. I kept friendships superficial (sports scores, work stories), dating shallow and work as freelance projects.
In succeeding to not get abandoned, I fail to form meaningful relationships.
Most people have a pattern like this. Maybe you internalize anger at others and hate yourself instead. Or you don’t know what you care about and waste your free time on social media.
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Zen master Henry Shukman has a concept called “labeling”. It’s the opposite of our tendency to react to uncomfortable thoughts and feelings with different thoughts and feelings.
Have a thought about the past? A cringey, scary or regretful one? Label it “memory”. Suddenly, the thoughts and feelings that took over your mind seem much more calm.
You’re no longer running from a tsunami, you’re standing on a beach, watching a wave break, seep into the sand and disappear.
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Shukman applies the practice to a few things—body sensations, memories, thoughts about the future. I expanded it to annoyances: I hate being stuck in traffic.
But when I label “This is what it feels like to be stuck in traffic”, I no longer feel the need to escape. I can be present and notice the sunset behind the slow bus in front of me.
Labeling like this widens my aperture. It takes the brain from problem-solving mode to witnessing mode.
But it requires acceptance. You need to actually be okay feeling what it’s like to get stuck in traffic. Then it passes easily. Even the most difficult thoughts and feelings pass in seconds once I fully accept and label them.
Traffic is a silly example (but an easy one to start with), but it also applies to more meaningful things like dating, friendship, work and family.
This is the paradox: You won’t feel/think it anymore when you’re perfectly willing to feel/think it—at which point you no longer need to fix the problem.
This is what it feels like.